Sorry about the last essay. I think I just need to write daily, so that I don't spill everything all at once. Yesterday was the funeral of our family friends Terry and Trish Sullivan.
I've got to be honest. I didn't want to go. I try to avoid funerals as best I can, I suppose everyone does. I just find it really hard to keep it together and I know that's the point, that funerals are an important part of the grieving process. I just find the sadness overwhelming regardless of how well I knew the people or the families of the people who passed away.
Considering my dad asked me, well insisted I go, did I eventually give in and go even though I didn't want to. But I'm glad I did, however sad. I can't imagine loosing both of my parents in one foul swoop. I can't really imagine loosing them at all. One of my first memories as a child was being woken up in the middle of the night, I would have been five or so. I was half asleep and being bundled into the car. My dad was driving, my mum in the passenger seat, my sister, myself and my nanna in the back seat on our way to Brisbane. My ten year old cousin Samantha had died. I can't really remember who pointed it out, but we all saw a falling star that night from the car window, 'that's Samantha going to Heaven' my nan said. That's all I knew.
I think when you experience the death of a loved one at an early age, it affects how you see the world. For me, I feel like I always need to tighten my grip, and that I never have enough time with the people I love. I start to panic and hope that the people I love do know how much I love them. Have I spoken to my mum in the last few days, my dad? Sister? Have I told Dan how amazing he has been to me, and how amazingly he's loved me? Friends? Am I being a good enough friend?
Today really got me thinking (even more seriously) about my family and the prospect of building a family with Dan. He offered to be there today for me which was really sweet, but I was really going to pay my own respects and support my mum and dad who are mourning the loss of their friends. They knew Terry and Trish a lifetime ago, when they were still together and we were kids. My dad was still in contact with Terry and is still in shock I think over their sudden death. My mum saw Trish briefly the week before they died. Plus I don't know whether I would feel OK about bringing Dan to a funeral of people he hadn't met. But it was kind for him to offer. The thing is, I hadn't really seen any of these people (who were at the funeral) in at least 15 years and didn't know if I would remember them. I did better than I thought I would. Lots of kind and familiar faces. People who were always friendly and warm to us as kids. My parents always had great friends, they were very social people, so it's nice to hear 'Wow, the last time we saw you, you were this big', 'You look so much like you're mother'. I used to despise those comments. Today I was deeply thankful for them.
I suppose what I did notice today was how my parents have changed over the years. I saw something different in them both today, something I hadn't seen in them until now. A fear of leaving us Bianca my sister and myself behind. I think the shock of a freak accident like this reminds us how slippery life can be, and I think as they get older the reality of that is setting in. But it could go either way really. Life is unpredictable. Excuse the cliche.
It's funny how a few years ago marriage and motherhood seemed like some other persons blueprint. But I can't imagine living a life without having a family of my own. I'd just like some more time. Mostly for me, but too for my parents who are sixty-seven and sixty-three this year. I think they're dream in life is to be grandparents. It would make them incredibly happy. I think they'd revel in the chance to right the wrongs of their own parenting and love unconditionally the extension of their great loves. Us. When do you know that kids are a definite? Do you know that they're absolutely not? Do you hit 30 and start mulling over the options? Is it an option, or do you just go for it? All I know is, I have to make sure I'm happy, stable, and pursuing a life of love and meaning. I'm pretty sure I'm getting close. I certainly have the love part covered.
This is just beautiful Jade, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI've always felt that telling a grieving person that I know how they feel/what they're going through risks devaluing or belittling their grief, so I try to never say it. But what you wrote about the need to tighten your grip on the ones you love absolutely encapsulated how I feel, but have always struggled to enunciate properly. This is just a really beautiful, true, heartfelt post.
OK, I should go before I start crying into my keyboard (at work!)
Thanks again, and keep writing. xo